Despite what the careers guidance people might tell you, there is a place in this world for people without forty GCSEs and a degree in economics. Don't be fooled: spending your time in education day-dreaming and drawing on the table is not a sure fire way to a life of unemployed misery. In fact, it could be the first steps on the road to Hollywood!
Alan and Jamie drifted through school then decided to attend Worthing Art
College. They were not dripping with qualifications, they just liked drawing (3
reasonable grade GCSEs will get you into art college). College was pretty dull
and they spent most of their time reading comics. One day a man called Brett
Ewins came in to give to give a lecture. The boys liked Brett, he was into comics
as well. For Mr Ewins is Mr Comics and was the man behind the classics British
Sci-Fi, weekly 2000AD, and weird strips such as Nemo and Bad Company. They showed
Brett a comic/fanzine they'd done with their mate Phil called Atom Tan. In it
Jamie had drawn a character called Tank Girl; he wasn't sure why, someone had
given him a photo-copy of a tank...
When Alan and Jamie left college Brett offered them strips at a new magazine he was doing called Deadline. The boys collaborated on a strip called Tank Girl. Jamie would draw, Alan would work on the script. They had no real plans for Tank Girl, they just did it every month, as they saw fit. People liked Tank Girl. She was a mad surreal punky babe. Tank Girl kissed kangaroos and shot who she pleased. She was mad, bad and dangerous to know: soon she was really popular. This was new comic territory, none of your Captain Marvel or your cool hippy shit here. It was raw, edgy and the boys were having fun. Those years of day-dreaming and drawing had really paid off.
They would go on tours, do radio shows, while Tank Girl shot her way to cult
stardom. Wranglers even got her to do an ad. She went on sale in the States and
went down a storm. Then a man called Tom rang up and asked them if they wanted to
make Tank Girl into a film. Tom was from the States: he managed Jane's Addiction
and New Order. Tom got the ball rolling: Tank Girl was going to be a movie star
and Alan and Jamie were going to be off on an excellent adventure!
Jamie explains
"Tom helped the script get touted around Hollywood. A woman called Rachel got hold of it. She'd produced Cry Baby and Hairspray. She'd also directed the last Freddie movie, which was crap, but that wasn't her fault: it was sixth in a trilogy! Anyway, Rachel took it to several directors. Spielberg liked it but said it was too hip for him. Disney wanted to do it, but as a more kiddie version. MGM turned it down. No one likes to make a decision at MGM: if they make the wrong one they get the sack. Then this guy Alan Ladd, who had Star Wars and Blade Runner under his belt, said "Make that Movie!" and everybody at MGM jumped! Having signed us up, they thought they better fly us out there to meet us."
So Jamie and Alan left sleepy Worthing for the bright lights of Tinsel Town.
"They gave us the full Hollywood treatment. We stayed in Beverley Boulevard next to Rodeo Drive. It said 9120 on the pavement. They took us to expensive clubs, show biz parties and the top restaurants. We went to a rich producer's house and saw his collection of loaded guns. We hung out with Adam Ant. We saw Shaun Penn eat a sausage roll. We went to Madonna's next door neighbours house. We saw Nicholas Cage eat a sausage roll! My face hurt through false smiling so much."The boys were being wined and dined to death by the MGM beasts of the Hollywood Babylon. The sort of creatures that prowled in the film The Player.
The trip took its mental toll as the boys glimpsed the hell of celluloid heaven through the eyes of alcohol soaked English youth.
"Actually they were all full of shit. Really patronising. They'd say things like "Hollywood is like a Pizza. Everyone puts on different toppings and if you get it right you get a good movie!"At this point Alan would usually say
"I think that's a load of metaphorical bollocks!" We had little input on the script, so God knows what it will be like.: shit I suppose. But I'm past caring. I just want loads of money now."
Disillusionment is swift in a world where Arnold Schwarzenegger is
considered really talented.
"I ended up spending most of the time watching the porn channel in my enormous hotel room. Even that was lousy though. It was full of people who desperately wanted to be real actors. It was so odd."The roll of Tank Girl is not yet cast, Madonna's name was mooted at some point. But it's out of the boys hands now.
"We wanted Crispin Glover to be in it. But apparently they won't work with him. He's too weird: people say he collects human ears."Now neither of the boys are sure who'll be in it, what the script will be, or whether it will be just bad or really bad.
"Doing a good film in Hollywood is sabotage. You'd really have to plot to get it together without people realising you were making a good film! I'll be surprised if ours is any good. But at least we'll get lots of cash to do what we really want to do: Go on holiday!"After such a bogus journey the boys will not be picking California. But what the hell. A couple of lads who were seen as slackers put in some hard work doing something they enjoyed and now have the opportunity to take the money and run wherever they damn well like. Don't be fooled by your apparently slim options on the job front. If you're into drawing, do what you want to do. Who knows? You could end up eating sausage rolls with Bruce Willis.
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Words by Gavin Hills, June 93.